One of the drawbacks of working really hard to raise a son who is healthy, enveloped in unconditional love, optimistic and curious about life is that......
HE ENDS UP BEING A LOT MORE TOGETHER AT THE AGE OF 7 THAN I AM AT THE AGE OF 43!!!
For instance, today Ben would not get out of bed. He got dressed in bed. He ate his breakfast and went back to bed. He washed his face and brushed his teeth then returned to bed to read. That's great when it's Saturday. But when it's bloody Wednesday morning and we've got three minutes to catch a crosstown bus to the westiest western part of west village - mommy get's a little uptight.
Suddenly I heard myself shouting right at him "Benjamin - get your ass out of bed right now!!!"
Now I don't curse at Ben and I don't scream at him at pointblank range. But I did both. He was startled and so was I.
Frightened, he jumped out of bed - stood right in my face and said "I'm sorry that I was in bed but is that how it is now? That you use the A-S-S word and shout in my face? Huh? Is that right?" He started to get all trembly and teary eyed.
Instead of scolding him, I scared him.
I know what it's like to be bullied as a child and it makes me sick to think I even came close to bullying my own child.
I hugged him and apologized - while reiterating my frustration with his behavior. We joked and went on with our day.
Ugh. I hate when that happens because I know that's not me. It's a memory. And sometimes memories just flick on like light switches. Luckily they can be flicked off too.